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How To Say No
By Polly Hamilton
How to say no:
An important attribute to have is the ability to be assertive. Many people have gone through childhood and high school being expected, obliged, forced to always say ‘yes'. If you are always saying ‘yes' you must be a very helpful, caring person. But sometimes we need to say ‘no', for various reasons, including the selfish one: sometimes, deep down inside, we just don't want to. People who always say ‘yes' need to realise that saying no for whatever justified reason, or because we just can't be bothered, can be ok! You just need to find the balance… and of course, learn that all important word! NO!
How to say no: why we say yes
The common rule surrounding why people say ‘yes' is because we want to please them. People who say ‘yes' even when they can't, don't know how, don't want to, will eventually let people down. For example, someone who says ‘yes' all the time and often double books themselves. If they had said ‘no' in the first place no one would be let down. We also say ‘yes' to people when we feel obliged: in-laws, teachers, neighbors, bosses. If your boss asks you to talk extra work on (when you have already told your wife you won't) you often feel obliged to say ‘yes' so your boss thinks you're a hard worker who's prepared to put extra effort in. In reality, you are both lying and harming the trust your wife has in you.
How to say no: stick to your plan
If someone asks you to do them ‘a small favor' which you might be able to fit in… but it could make you late, say ‘I'm really sorry but I'm busy this afternoon'. If they pester you further, it's not your obligation to tell them exactly what you are doing, you're allowed privacy! Just say ‘I'm sorry but I just don't have the time. Good luck though!' As long as you are being polite, not just brushing them off, you should never feel bad about saying no. It is your privilege to choose! So whenever someone asks you to do this, or fix that, and you already have other plans, stick to them!
How to say no: clarity
Many people say ‘yes' to things when they don't realize exactly what the task involves. Make sure someone has clearly described what they want you to do before you agree or disagree. If your neighbor says ‘could you please feed my animals while I'm gone' don't just say ‘yes'! She may have ten dogs and two piranhas and be going on holiday for a year! Ask how many animals she has, where she is going, how long she will be, and will the pet food all be there. There's nothing worse than a sneaky neighbor who leaves you a list of instructions… including what dog food to buy for $50 a kilogram that she'll never pay you back for. Once you've heard how many animals your neighbor has, etc, and the job is just going to be too much for her, tell the truth! ‘I'm really sorry but I'm actually allergic to dogs' or ‘I really won't have the time to do that, perhaps you should ask someone who can be more reliable'. If she persists, walk her to the gate, repeating your earlier statement. Get clarity from her, then stick to your plan.
How to say no:
Remember to be assertive, but don't be rude. It is a fine line, and there are times when you really should say ‘yes', you just need to learn to use your own judgment and learn how to say no when you want to!
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